Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
