Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
