Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
