Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Duck Duck Cougar?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
