I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
