That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
