Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
