nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
