Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
