i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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