i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
