i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
