a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
