i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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