I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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