i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Randomize
