shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's official drugs can't kill me
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
