When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
