Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
