Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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