You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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