Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
