i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
