anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
