Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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