happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
