If i come over, it means nothing
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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