Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
