I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
