Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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