I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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