Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
