I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
