I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
