look no pants
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
