Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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