I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
