I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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