Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
