Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I believe in your delicious
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
