time to smoke my breakfast
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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