I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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