he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
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