I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
