I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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