the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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