you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you told grandpa to call you daddy
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
