It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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