I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
