when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
