no, he came in my armpit
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
